Leaving you behind...

I promised myself never to fall again. That is, fall in love again. Maybe that’s why I don;t like to make promises, because they end up broken, one way or the other. Point is that I met someone who I really liked. Perhaps I liked him more than I should have, based on what I knew about him and how briefly we have met. Yet, for some reason my heart made a choice, it chose him, and I was left without a voice.

I warned myself. My friends warned me. For god’s sake, even my own history warned me. But I figured; every minute I have left on the face of this Earth is a gift. And I don’t intend on wasting it. So I dared to fall. I allowed myself to fall in love with someone I barely knew. Many will call me silly, others will call me stupid. But god knows I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering ‘what if’. I had to take a chance on a happy ending.

Tonight I am so happy that I took that chance and gave it my all. I’m so happy I smiled at him. I’m so happy I communicated with him. I’m so glad I tried to go on a date with him. I’m so happy I sent him messages. I’m so happy I put ‘xxx’ after every message I sent. But most of all, I’m so happy I told him and showed him, just how much I actually liked him. Fair enough he did not feel the same and had his eyes on someone else. Can I blame him? No! He too was only taking a chance on a happy ending.

And now I’m leaving and I never got to call him mine. I’m leaving and I was never really his. And I think to myself, dammit! If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I hadn’t liked you, I wouldn’t love you. If I wouldn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do and I will. And I realize once again that it takes a couple seconds to say ‘Hello’, but forever to say ‘Goodbye’. Saying goodbye to him tonight was perhps the hardest thing I have ever done.

I mean; How do I say goodbye to someone I never really had? Why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine? Why is it I miss someone I was never really with? And why do I love someone whose love was never really mine? And it’s only when I pull myself together and be completely honest with myself that I realize that maybe, just maybe, I was actually in love. Tonight I know I love him because I want him to be happy even if his happiness means that I’m not part of it.

But I am missing him. And I will miss him. Yet missing him isn’t the hard part, knowing I could have had him is what breaks my heart. So as I’m leaving… and leaving him behind, I would like to stay a secret, like walking in the dark; if no one knows me, no one will care and no one will break my heart.

If you are reading this… you know who you are… I never told you in your face, but I’m finally ready to it through the tears in my eyes and the aching beat of my heart… I love you.

Remember those cards… you have a great hand, play it well and always remember the guy who wanted to play the game with you.

xxx

Since you’ve been gone

You came into my life unexpectedly and everything took a turn for the better. The way you smiled at me, your voice and your warm embrace all carried me off into the sunset. I never knew what love was until I was loved by you. It has been so long since I last saw you, held you, laughed with you and looked into your mysterious eyes; and you still warm my heart every time I think of you. At first the pain of losing you was unbearable, then with time it got easier to live with, but even today you still live in me in so many ways. Today marks yet another year that you have been stolen from me, whisked away many years too early. I miss you my love, confidant and best friend, more than even the best author’s words can ever describe. But I am grateful for every memory, every smile, and every tear I got to share with you, because they were by far the best time of my life. One day when I leave this lonely world of ours, I will meet you once again. But while I wait on that time to come, I will love you with every beat of my aching heart.

Remembering you always,

Etienne

10 things I hate about me

1. I hate the way I sleep at night.
2. I hate it when I stare.
3. I hate the fact that I'm always hungry.
4. I hate the way I park.
5. I hate the fact that I always want to be the best.
6. I hate it that I can't relax.
7. I hate the way my eyes close when I smile.
8. I hate that I trust people too easily.
9. I hate how easy I fall in love.
10. But mostly I hate the way I hate myself!

ECDJ

Tongnaai II deur Johann de Lange

op jou maag, met een been hoog opgetrek,

kan ek sien tot waar jou blonde beenhare

strek, verdonker en verdig, en dik die rif

van jou horing tussen harde boude in verdwyn

 

Judasoog wat vir ’n tongnaai oper plooi,

geurige kreukel met ’n vag bruin krulle,

ring wat ritmies knel as die eerste fel spasmas

die skoot diep uit my swaar balle boontoe bring

 

en stoot tot by die rooi geswolle kop wat klop

en taai wit wiele oor jou rug uitrol

jou lyf maak my jags vir growwe taal

- hol en horing, pielkop, fok en tos -

 

want in my mond is sulke soepel woorde

dik en vlesig en vrank soos jy

Falling in love again

"We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, or an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value, because we are often left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."

I’m only 23 and I have been through so much. People have come into my life, some for only one season, others for longer that left footprints on my heart that will last forever. But the truth is; all my young life I have searched, searched for Mr. Right. One person that would come into my life unexpectedly and make me complete. One person I could share my life with, the ups and downs, the joy and sorrow. And all this time I was hoping that he would be out there somewhere, searching for me too.

I've learned that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. I know life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. This is friendship and love; delicious ambiguity.

But above all this, I know myself. And now that I have laid my eyes on you, talked to you, spent time with you, I know… I know that I like you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. And finally I realize that I have only one escape from my old self, my past heartache and pain - to see my different self in the mirror of your eyes.

ECDJ

The pain of lost love

“I never felt true love until I was with you. And I never felt true sadness until you left me.”

I was only 21 when I met the true love of my life. I recall that day like it was yesterday. And even though it has been two years since, I can still close my eyes and relive that day in my mind. I have never felt so much in love, so complete, so wanted, so special. At that point in my life there were a million things I wanted in this word, but he was all I really needed.

My love for him was, like all love, based on hope. Hope that we would be happy ever after, hope that we will find happiness in each other forever, hope that he would never turn away from me, hope that we will endure all the tests life send our way. Hope was all I had, hope that we would stay in love forever. But love, like a beautiful rose, regardless how beautiful it may be, will eventually die.

His love for me died a quick and sudden death. He simply stopped loving me, stopped writing to me, stopped speaking with me and stopped sharing his life with me. And as Shakespeare wrote in Two Gentlemen of Verona; “they who do not show their love, does not love.” For many months it felt like my whole world was crumbling down on me, with nowhere to run, nowhere to seek refuge, no one to turn to. I felt so cold and lonely.

I know that when you are in love you give someone your heart, knowing that they can destroy your whole world when they break it. I trusted this very special person in my life not to do that. Unfortunately, his own happiness was more important for him than mine. He ended up breaking my heart great a many times… every time destroying a piece of my world time after time.

It has been many months and even now, long after the moments of closeness has passed, a part of him still remains with me and warms the places where he used to touch me… that in turn, hastens my heart for him to return. Yet I know that he is done with me and will never come back to me, as the love he had for me is all gone, perished, never to breathe again. And it seems true, yet again, that love that remains longest in our hearts is the one that is not returned.

I came across this song recently and realized just how much my heart really hurts. I miss him beyond comprehension, and the thought that he is not ever coming back to me, suffocates my joy day after day. This is why I know that I never felt true love until I was with him. And I never felt true sadness until he left me.

In conclusion, a quote by Neil Gaiman puts everything into perspective:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

ECDJ