Living a life that matters

Ready or not, I know that it will all someday come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things I've collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. If I had wealth, fame or temporal power it will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what I owned or what I were owed. My grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear. So too will my hopes, ambitions, plans, to-do lists and dreams expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important to me will fade away. It won’t matter where I came from, or on what side of the tracks I lived at the end. It won’t matter whether I were beautiful or brilliant. Even my gender, sexuality and skin colour will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of my days be measured?

What will matter is not what I bought, but what I built; not what I got, but what I gave. What will matter is not my success, but my significance. What will matter is not what I learned, but what I taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate my example. What will matter is not my competence, but my character. What will matter is not how many people I knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when I'm gone. What will matter is not my memories, but the memories that live in those who loved me. What will matter is how long I will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that will matter doesn’t happen by accident; it’s not a matter of circumstance. It's a choice. It's my choice!

Defragmenting my life

Do you remember the older Windows versions? Once a month you had to run that stupid function to defragment the computer hard drive and sort out the bits of bi-numeric data not to slow down your system. None of us liked it, because it used to take ages for the process to finish. Worst of all, during that time, there was nothing else you could do with your computer. However, once the process was complete, the computer did run better after all. It may be a machine, but the truth is, I learned a great deal from it. I recently realized that my life is actually in too many bits and pieces. It may not be bi-numeric data, but it surely involves the core elements of my everyday operation; matters of the heart, facts of life and of course, past experiences.

When I look back on the last few years, my life has been full. Of course everything wasn’t good, nor was everything bad. But if I’m going to be completely honest on here, I might just as well say it; I’ve been hurt one too many times. I’m at the point in my life where I’m actually in doubt about too many things. Will I find a decent job? Will I live an easy life? Will I earn enough money? Will I find a decent guy? Will I fall in love again? Will my dreams come true? I don’t want to doubt that good things still happen. I don’t want to doubt that there is someone out there who will treat me different and better than all the previous idiots. I don’t want to doubt if tomorrow will be better than today. I want to believe that things do get better, that stories do have a clear beginning, middle and end, that dreams do come true and that true love comes around and lasts forever.

But in order to do that, I will have to pick up all these bits and pieces, sort them, store them in the right places, delete the ones that needs to be deleted, keep the ones that drives me forward and make room for better things to happen in the future. I am thus defragmenting my life as of today; taking a break from the old, looking through different eyes and preparing for a better tomorrow. It may take wekks, months, even years, but I know when I come out of this process, that my system will once again run smoothly and that Etienne will finally operate as Etienne again.

Press ‘START’ to continue…

Processing…

Defragmentation in progress. Do not turn off the system.

... process is 1% complete ...

Changing the World

…and it’s a thought that has come to my mind more than once; I want to change the world. I want to be able to smile at people I bump into on the streets, tap a girl’s shoulder and compliment her shoes if I like them. I want to buy a friend a drink, laugh with another and share my secrets. I want to comform people who have been hurt by others, patch broken hearts, wipe of tears and listen to other people’s troubles, even if my own eats away at me. I want to share my life with someone special, spending time together regardless how long or short, special moments that will change everything without changing anything. I want to promise the weary that tomorrow will be better. I want to assure the doubtful that the answers are somewhere down the road. I want to be myself, grow more and more into myself and wet my appetite for discouvering myself. But most of all I want to wish away all doom and gloom, root out evil and those who thrive doing it. I want to ignore pain others cause me and look past murmers behind my back. I want to see the things that matter, be ignorant to those that doesn’t. And I want to wake up tomorrow morning believing that good things do happen, that people do fall in love, that the rainbow does have a pot of gold, that dreams do come true and that friendships last forever. I really want to change the world.

I have nothing to declare but my genius!

This blog will explain how and why a little ‘limp wristed’ thinking can bamboozle your brain cells into a riot of creative excellence. Ultimately you will come to learn that you don't have to be a screaming queen to think pink for a day. But if you are a screaming queen… smile!

It's true! Camping it up is going to turn you into a bona fide brain builder. Your brain will soon be oiled, pumped and ready to strut. Not every gay man is a genius but a fair number of geniuses have been gay. Among those is Leonardo da Vinci, Alexander the Great, Oscar Wilde and many others that kept it hidden from history's record books.

Traditionally boys who followed artistic careers in theatre, painting, dancing, cooking or design were thought to be softies, poofs, fairies or queer. Somehow the idea of sensitivity, creativity and wild thinking got associated with homosexuality. I guess those who were willing and driven to be different in their sexuality were also driven or willing to be different in their thinking too.

My Aunt said, "Etienne, you're gay. Are you seeing a psychiatrist?" I said, "No, I'm seeing a go-go dancer from Bambusa Bar."

Maybe those who are more right-brained dominant are more open to a pantheistic idea of sexuality. The right brain, which sees things holistically and likes to make all kinds of connections, can cross boundaries more fluidly than the left brain. I'm sure there are lots of gay scientists, but I can't see the more obviously anal retentive qualities of the left-brain suiting the gay lifestyle.

Not every gay man is obviously gay, but the ones who are obviously gay are a scream… a real hoot. Somehow the whole camp persona liberates the male mind to be witty, sharp and appreciative of creativity and beautiful things. Think of the brilliant US comedy, Will & Grace: isn't Jack McFarland just mesmerising and hysterical to listen to? God, we should all be "JUST JACK" for a while!

Labels can also be misleading. I saw a news report about a lesbian protest march, and the reporter said, “Coming up next, a lesbian demonstration.” My first thought was, “Cool. I always wondered how those things work.”

Why are gay men so funny? It's that bitchy, what’s happening girlfriend, you got it going on, repartee that is so swift and funny. Wouldn't you love to be that quick-witted and sharp? You would? Well, it's time for a little Gay-Think; a little camping up!

Now, I want you to go observe your gay friends. Be in their company. Learn from them. You are an actor studying for a part. If you are a straight heterosexual guy with no gay friends, watch Will & Grace on TV, hire out the movie The Birdcage with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane, or simply listen to gay or camp comedians – there’s many to choose from.

Now try it on. You know what you have to do. You have to let go of that John Wayne walk and try a little Jane Fonda mincing. Go on! Surprise your workmates. I dare you. And that arm is way to stiff. Loosen that wrist and let your hand flop a little. Wave it appreciatively towards the curtains and lisp, "I love what you've done with these fabrics!" Loosen that tie, show a little neck and put on some gay tracks; Abba's Dancing Queen, Helen Ready’s I am Woman or anything by Diana Ross and Kylie Minogue should do it! It's time to boogie. Shake your toosh. Wiggle your booty. Remember, you are gorgeous and you know it! No man is safe with you in the building... miaoowww.

Now, if you are very uptight, do this in the privacy of your home or car where no one else can see you. But really get into it. Liberate your personality from the straight and narrow. For the more daring among you get yourself down to the nearest gay nightclub. Ugly yourself up if you don't want to be picked up. Wearing a loose jean and outlet clothing will help. Learn and be prepared to be shocked.

What are you doing? You should be sashaying, wiggling, and taking an inordinate interest in women's shoes; “What does she think she is wearing… seriously!” Come on, you are freeing up your personality. Your self-image has been held fast in an identity of heterosexuality and God forbid that anyone should think you were looking at that guy that way! In the safety of playfulness, you can be something that you are not, for the sake of allowing your mind some FREEDOM.

When your mind has freedom it soars, it flies, it glides on angels' wings. You are a genius. A genius is an enormous mental presence; a being that lives on multiple dimensions and energetically occupies the whole universe not just a tiny part of it. You are so much more than you ever allowed yourself to think you are. And finally you come to see the colours of the rainbow. So think pink. Think all the colours of the world. Try them all on for size. Every colour contributes to the rainbow palette that will light up your mind more and more.

Advance my dear students… camping it up is something you might want to a-dress! And for the straight girl that just read this and fears the ‘flexibility’ of your boyfriend; I suggest you go put a padlock on your wardrobe right this moment.

Uh, I’m sorry to interrupt sweetheart, I may not have made myself quite clear enough but… THAT’S AN ORDER!

ECDJ

I am woman

I remember it like it was yesterday; walking to Wallmart with my roommate. Of course I was topped and turned, buffed and fluffed; I was in public after all. Suddenly this SUV passes us by and this straight kid sticks his head out the window and remarks in a load voice (screams): "Foggots!" My roommate seemed upset, but I smiled; the kid could not have been more right! I am a faggot.

It's actually amazing to live in a modern time; where people speak of racial tolerance, equal opportunity employment, freedom of expression and personal wellbeing - and the homosexuals (just like many other minority groups) are still subject to this kind of treatment. Being victomized personally is not what upsets me. What upsets me is the fact that people tend to believe, rant and rave about living in a free world. I'll go ahead and say it: Bullshit! We are born free, but then society put the shackles on our feet - put the shackles on my feet.

It has been such a long walk already and I still see very little progress, even if people tend to believe that much ground has been won. It all comes down to the mere fact that society will always try to put you down, one way or the other, even in Amsterdam and Toronto. I have come to realise that there really is not a single place on this Earth where we can just completely and utterly be ourselves - and be accepted for exactly that. What's to do? Be yourself completely exactly where you are and simply kick those who are ready to put the chains on your feet between the legs. Be yourself... no matter what.

I'm going to be myself, no matter what people do, say or think. In the end and after all said and done, I am the one that needs to be happy and content, not only with who I am, but about my life in general. So here I am... and this is for all you gay bashers out there... I am woman, now hear me roar!

ECDJ

Walking away

I watched my feet as they moved monotonously over the sidewalk. A cigarette bud. A bottle cap. A torn newspaper advertisement. A tear. It felt like my skin was the only thing from keeping my body going in every direction. The buildings closed in on me, the noises of the street faded, people became nothing more than blurry figures moving but going nowhere. And I kept asking myself; why? Why is it that I search all my life for someone I can just be myself with, and when I do find him, we live worlds apart? For two days my hart has been beating faster and slower at the same time. My smiles are real and I could feel my heart smiling with me. Yes, he might have been just another guy, but his smile made me feel good. The look in his eyes made me feel comfortable. His voice carried me off into the sunset. And even though I only met him twice, I was more myself with him, than I have ever been around anyone else; even those that have been around for years. Brief moments in time that changed everything without changing anything. And now, as I walk away, my eyes whelmed with tears, my heart aching and my mind racing with the thought that I might never see him again... I will treasure my last two days in my heart forever.

Wherever you are, whatever you do; I will never forget how I felt when I was with you. You will be remembered forever.

ECDJ

I am

Alright, It's 1:13a.m. and I guess I'm going to update my blog. A new day; it was way too complicated to sum up in this box. That's what I would say if I was like most people, but I think I'm going to get in depth and write about today. My world is expanding exponentially around me. Everywhere I look there seems to be an opportunity. How to weed out the ones that could leave me stagnant and how to grab the reigns of the ones that will carry me off into the sunset is my dilemma.

 

 

Not too shabby though. I'm 23 years old now. 23 years I've spent on this Earth observing people, emotions, interactions, flaws and romance. You name it; I've seen some form of it. I'm growing faster within myself than I can keep up with. And I'm finally starting to see my flaws for what they are: tools. They are tools to help me grow. Grow above and beyond the 5ft7" mould God cast me in.

 

 

I'm learning; gifted with retaining information about everything and everyone, even the intangible. Some of it is useless, most of it indispensable. I love learning. I love being aware of myself and recalling those moments where I reached an epiphany. I find it so entertaining. It is like watching a child take his first steps. Walk. Fall. Walk. Fall. Jump. Fall Harder. It's all worth it in the end.

 

 

My faith in people has to be restored, in some sense. I'm learning to stop putting all my happiness in other people's clumsy hands. Ever has it been that one can't be happy with anyone else until you're happy with yourself. So I take myself out clubbing, go see a movie with me and treat me with a massage. In being a best friend to myself I am never let down, never disappointed and end up being better equipped to be a great friend to others. I'm figuring everything out.

 

 

Big changes, beautiful things, sweet dreams and blissful anticipation are on the way. A big move, big audition… yes! Who knows what other adventures my life is going to take me on; what walks of life I am yet to take? Seeing the world, living in Manhattan , winning the lottery, publishing a book, posing nude or having a drink with Karen Walker?

 

 

I am fulfilled.

I am lucky.

I am blissful.

I am.

 

 

Today I might be closer in finding the right person who can make me feel this way forever… and allowing me to make him feel the same way too...

 

 

ECDJ

Back on the blog

It was in the winter (Southern Hemisphere) of 2006 when I met a guy in Lyon, France . He became a very good and dear friend to me. It was he who first introduced me to blogging; thus the reason for my blog being on a French site. It did not take long for me to really get into it and become an enthusiastic blogger. I had a lot of posts focusing on a variety of topics, mostly controversial. Then, by the end of 2006, my life took a turn for the worst and I had a lot emotional turmoil to deal with. Leaving my country for three months to travel around Europe I deleted all my posts and closed down my blog. It was a long period of healing.

 

Returning from Europe and getting back into my usual routine was difficult at first and I have not yet healed completely. My life still seems to be lacking forward momentum in the parts I long for it to get some direction. Nonetheless I have to start living again. So I figured why not start blogging again? I might find someone out there who can share in the pain my heart deals with every single day. The road ahead looks dull and bleak and I’m not sure where I am heading, but through my blogging I will get to share the burdens of my heart and mind with the world. And we might both come to realize that we are not alone. 

 

So the kid is back on the blog. Feel free to reply on and post comments on my blog. I hope that you too will have something to share and learn on my blog. Happy reading and thank you for visiting my blog even when there were hundreds of French ones to choose from (no offence Frenchies).

 

ECDJ

Bringing you up to speed

Just so you know who I am, where I’m at and what I do, here is just a short biography of me and my life:

My full name is Etienne Christian de Jager and I’m 23 years old. I was born and grew up in Windhoek, the capital of Namibia for the first 18 years of my life. When I was 18 y/o I completed high school and moved out of the house to attend university in a small town near Johannesburg, South Africa called Potchefstroom. I recently graduated with my post-graduate degree in interpersonal and development communication, I am continuing with my studies in the field. I presently live in Naples, Florida where I share an apartment with my three best friends and work for the Ritz-Carlton Resorts of Naples.

I have always known that I was gay and have been out to my friends for some years now, however, I only recently came out to my family. They despise of it and we never do speak about it… they are in denial. I have been single all my life with the exception of falling madly in love with an American guy in March 2006. Unfortunately, even if he was my alpha and omega for three years, he left me and I have been single ever since...

In November 2006 until February 2007, I took a round-Europe tour all by myself. I started in Russia , made my way through Scandinavia, down through Western Europe, then to the East, ending up in Greece and eventually flew to London before going back home. All the time I had no fixed plans and no one with me. The experience, however, was simply out of this world. So the travel bug has bit me and this is all that I want to do during my free time.

I love painting and photography and happened to be quite good in it. I love doing this in my free time. I also love writing and have several short stories and poems published in South Africa. Some of my photographs have been exhibited in France , The Netherlands, London UK and South Africa. My home and everyday language is Afrikaans, a deriving dialect from Dutch. However I am fluent in English and also speak a rather sufficient amount of French. And I have complete understanding of the Dutch language too.

I am but a short guy, 1.7m tall with blonde hair, green eyes and an average body (nothing extraordinary here). I shave and go to the solarium often enough to maintain a tan during the winter months. I’m not fond of sport and practice but a few including swimming. I do meditation also but prefer to spend my time on the arts and at home. I love to be on my own, however I do regard my very few friends as very important and love them with all my heart.

I’m a very friendly guy. I’m known to always be able to make people laugh. I am extremely stylish and would rather go a week without food than miss out on the latest pair of jeans or shirts in the store. I love drinking wine, but never abuse my alcohol usage. I love to dance but am no club bug. Give me a winter night with a fireplace, music, some good, red, South African wine and stunning company and I'm up on cloud number 9!

My ultimate favorite show is Will & Grace of which I own the complete DVD box set of all the seasons. Karen Walker is my medication, my addiction, my weakness! My favorite movies include Garden State, Dirty Dancing, The Rules of Attraction, Lost in Translation, My First Mister and Brokeback Mountain. I love music by Mika (the best), Celine Dion, George Michael, T.A.T.U., Cher, Darren Hayes and even some Rod Steward. I prefer love songs above all other music, but love the feel-good songs too. I love to read books by Wilbur Smith and Paulo Coelho; my favorite books being the Catcher in the Rye , The Alchemist and River God.

Finally, yet importantly, something about me that deserves a seperate paragraph; my love for Ancient Egypt. Ever since I can remember I used to be completely facinated with the history of the Ancient Egyptian Culture. And I still am! I own a 300-book strong collection about the history of the culture. I read mostly biographies and am particularly facinated with the Amarna and Ptolimiac Dynasties. This is one passion I have that will never die.

I love animals, especially dogs, however giving my apartment size and hectic schedule; I cannot afford to have a dog at this time to pet. I have a heart for nature, especially animals and would rather stand up for those who cannot speak for themselves than those who can. I believe in the liberation of the mind and power of free thinking. I tend not to ever have tunnel vision and regard a liberal society as a must have in all countries; unfortunately I have not been blessed with this in Namibia or South Africa.

This wraps me up in a few sentences. But of course there is a lot more to me. If you would like to get to know me better, read my blog or feel free to contact me directly.

ECDJ

age: 23
gender: Male
sexuality: Gay
ethnicity: White
height: 5'7" - 170cm
weight: 125lb - 63kg
hair: Blonde (natural red)
eyes: Green
body type: Average
body hair: Smooth
tattoos: None
piercing: None
star sign: Aries
relationship: Single
have kids: No
want kids: Undecided
faith: Believer
drink: Socially
smoke: Never
drugs: Never
health: HIV-