Living life my way

Leaving you behind...

2009-05-07T10:08:06+01:00

I promised myself never to fall again. That is, fall in love again. Maybe that’s why I don;t like to make promises, because they end up broken, one way or the other. Point is that I met someone who I really liked. Perhaps I liked him more than I should have, based on what I knew about him and how briefly we have met. Yet, for some reason my heart made a choice, it chose him, and I was left without a voice.

I warned myself. My friends warned me. For god’s sake, even my own history warned me. But I figured; every minute I have left on the face of this Earth is a gift. And I don’t intend on wasting it. So I dared to fall. I allowed myself to fall in love with someone I barely knew. Many will call me silly, others will call me stupid. But god knows I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering ‘what if’. I had to take a chance on a happy ending.

Tonight I am so happy that I took that chance and gave it my all. I’m so happy I smiled at him. I’m so happy I communicated with him. I’m so glad I tried to go on a date with him. I’m so happy I sent him messages. I’m so happy I put ‘xxx’ after every message I sent. But most of all, I’m so happy I told him and showed him, just how much I actually liked him. Fair enough he did not feel the same and had his eyes on someone else. Can I blame him? No! He too was only taking a chance on a happy ending.

And now I’m leaving and I never got to call him mine. I’m leaving and I was never really his. And I think to myself, dammit! If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I hadn’t liked you, I wouldn’t love you. If I wouldn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do and I will. And I realize once again that it takes a couple seconds to say ‘Hello’, but forever to say ‘Goodbye’. Saying goodbye to him tonight was perhps the hardest thing I have ever done.

I mean; How do I say goodbye to someone I never really had? Why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine? Why is it I miss someone I was never really with? And why do I love someone whose love was never really mine? And it’s only when I pull myself together and be completely honest with myself that I realize that maybe, just maybe, I was actually in love. Tonight I know I love him because I want him to be happy even if his happiness means that I’m not part of it.

But I am missing him. And I will miss him. Yet missing him isn’t the hard part, knowing I could have had him is what breaks my heart. So as I’m leaving… and leaving him behind, I would like to stay a secret, like walking in the dark; if no one knows me, no one will care and no one will break my heart.

If you are reading this… you know who you are… I never told you in your face, but I’m finally ready to it through the tears in my eyes and the aching beat of my heart… I love you.

Remember those cards… you have a great hand, play it well and always remember the guy who wanted to play the game with you.

xxx

Living a life that matters

2009-04-30T10:55:23+01:00

Ready or not, I know that it will all someday come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things I've collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. If I had wealth, fame or temporal power it will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what I owned or what I were owed. My grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear. So too will my hopes, ambitions, plans, to-do lists and dreams expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important to me will fade away. It won’t matter where I came from, or on what side of the tracks I lived at the end. It won’t matter whether I were beautiful or brilliant. Even my gender, sexuality and skin colour will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of my days be measured?

What will matter is not what I bought, but what I built; not what I got, but what I gave. What will matter is not my success, but my significance. What will matter is not what I learned, but what I taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate my example. What will matter is not my competence, but my character. What will matter is not how many people I knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when I'm gone. What will matter is not my memories, but the memories that live in those who loved me. What will matter is how long I will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that will matter doesn’t happen by accident; it’s not a matter of circumstance. It's a choice. It's my choice!

Since you’ve been gone

2009-03-13T17:05:20+02:00

You came into my life unexpectedly and everything took a turn for the better. The way you smiled at me, your voice and your warm embrace all carried me off into the sunset. I never knew what love was until I was loved by you. It has been so long since I last saw you, held you, laughed with you and looked into your mysterious eyes; and you still warm my heart every time I think of you. At first the pain of losing you was unbearable, then with time it got easier to live with, but even today you still live in me in so many ways. Today marks yet another year that you have been stolen from me, whisked away many years too early. I miss you my love, confidant and best friend, more than even the best author’s words can ever describe. But I am grateful for every memory, every smile, and every tear I got to share with you, because they were by far the best time of my life. One day when I leave this lonely world of ours, I will meet you once again. But while I wait on that time to come, I will love you with every beat of my aching heart.

Remembering you always,

Etienne

10 things I hate about me

2009-01-28T01:00:39+02:00

1. I hate the way I sleep at night.
2. I hate it when I stare.
3. I hate the fact that I'm always hungry.
4. I hate the way I park.
5. I hate the fact that I always want to be the best.
6. I hate it that I can't relax.
7. I hate the way my eyes close when I smile.
8. I hate that I trust people too easily.
9. I hate how easy I fall in love.
10. But mostly I hate the way I hate myself!

ECDJ

Defragmenting my life

2009-01-09T16:09:12+02:00

Do you remember the older Windows versions? Once a month you had to run that stupid function to defragment the computer hard drive and sort out the bits of bi-numeric data not to slow down your system. None of us liked it, because it used to take ages for the process to finish. Worst of all, during that time, there was nothing else you could do with your computer. However, once the process was complete, the computer did run better after all. It may be a machine, but the truth is, I learned a great deal from it. I recently realized that my life is actually in too many bits and pieces. It may not be bi-numeric data, but it surely involves the core elements of my everyday operation; matters of the heart, facts of life and of course, past experiences.

When I look back on the last few years, my life has been full. Of course everything wasn’t good, nor was everything bad. But if I’m going to be completely honest on here, I might just as well say it; I’ve been hurt one too many times. I’m at the point in my life where I’m actually in doubt about too many things. Will I find a decent job? Will I live an easy life? Will I earn enough money? Will I find a decent guy? Will I fall in love again? Will my dreams come true? I don’t want to doubt that good things still happen. I don’t want to doubt that there is someone out there who will treat me different and better than all the previous idiots. I don’t want to doubt if tomorrow will be better than today. I want to believe that things do get better, that stories do have a clear beginning, middle and end, that dreams do come true and that true love comes around and lasts forever.

But in order to do that, I will have to pick up all these bits and pieces, sort them, store them in the right places, delete the ones that needs to be deleted, keep the ones that drives me forward and make room for better things to happen in the future. I am thus defragmenting my life as of today; taking a break from the old, looking through different eyes and preparing for a better tomorrow. It may take wekks, months, even years, but I know when I come out of this process, that my system will once again run smoothly and that Etienne will finally operate as Etienne again.

Press ‘START’ to continue…

Processing…

Defragmentation in progress. Do not turn off the system.

... process is 1% complete ...

Changing the World

2008-12-31T00:17:09+02:00

…and it’s a thought that has come to my mind more than once; I want to change the world. I want to be able to smile at people I bump into on the streets, tap a girl’s shoulder and compliment her shoes if I like them. I want to buy a friend a drink, laugh with another and share my secrets. I want to comform people who have been hurt by others, patch broken hearts, wipe of tears and listen to other people’s troubles, even if my own eats away at me. I want to share my life with someone special, spending time together regardless how long or short, special moments that will change everything without changing anything. I want to promise the weary that tomorrow will be better. I want to assure the doubtful that the answers are somewhere down the road. I want to be myself, grow more and more into myself and wet my appetite for discouvering myself. But most of all I want to wish away all doom and gloom, root out evil and those who thrive doing it. I want to ignore pain others cause me and look past murmers behind my back. I want to see the things that matter, be ignorant to those that doesn’t. And I want to wake up tomorrow morning believing that good things do happen, that people do fall in love, that the rainbow does have a pot of gold, that dreams do come true and that friendships last forever. I really want to change the world.

After the Race for the White House

2008-11-07T19:46:44+02:00

"America has spoken... and spoken clearly." Sen. John McCain spoke these immortal words during his speech after Election Day. The faces of his running mate, Gov. Sarah Palin and the small crowd gathering around the stage displayed the enormity of the disappointment for the Republicans’ defeat in the race for the White House. While Sen. McCain gracefully congratulated his opponent on his victory and thanked his supporters for standing by him every step of the way, a crowd of more than 250 000 gathered in Chicago city center to welcome America's first African American president on the stage. And when he made his appearance, the crowd went nuts - flags and camera flashes, cheers and tears. He was exalted like a celebrity the world has never seen before. Indeed America has spoken clearly.

But happens now? All the excitement of the race and the election is now behind the candidates, there is a new face in the Oval Office and a puppy in the White House. Pres. Obama is already preparing for his second run for the Office and Sen. McCain is back in the Senate serving the state of Arizona. And they are still hide'n Biden. But what about Gov. Palin? We all know and I certainly hope that she will not disappear off the political dashboard. She has only just begun! She scrummed away from commenting on 2012, but her face on the ballot that year certainly doesn't seem far-fetched. This election was all about race. Maybe the next one will be all about gender. In my opinion, this is what Gov. Sarah Palin should do next: go back to Alaska and play POLITICS.

Participate - Sarah Palin must do everything in her power not to fade away. Even in the Obama-regime, she should remain actively involved and participate in state and national politics. Not only will that give her more experience and keep her up to speed with the political world, but it will also keep her name and face fresh in the minds of her supporters.

Observe - Sarah Palin should observe the political scene. Far away in Alaska, which hardly plays in the front row of politics, she can sit back and observe the political scene, atmosphere and play. She should pay attention to the things Obama does that upsets people, new policies that Americans dislike and pounce on them like a fat kid on a cupcake. She should miss nothing! That way, she will have ample material to build a campaign on come 2012.

Learn - Sarah Palin made it clear that even though she was a wonderful running mate, she still needs to learn about national politics. This is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, it gives her room for improvement, and this is exactly what she must do. Learning from fellow politicians, such as John McCain, learning about foreign policy, the national media and Republican politics will prepare her for a real fight in 2012.

Invest - Sarah Palin should identify key individuals that will support, strengthen and promote her candidacy for president. By investing in people with power, influence and popularity, she can stabilize her support base and expand her supporter count.

Train - Sarah Palin should train herself in the art of being a good politician. I still believe Obama won only because of his ability to deliver a perfect speech. It might be politics, but it works. Sarah Palin should train herself in the art; how to persuade with a simple speech, how to face the media when they put you on the spot, how to deal with criticism and how to influence even the highest ranking political figures.

Identify - Sarah Palin should focus on her identity. The hockey mom, the pit bull with lipstick, the supportive governor, and the advocate in the White House - everything that people associated her with and liked her for. By remaining the person who they got to know her as, will make her an individual people will identify with and support.

Communicate - Sarah Palin should communicate at all levels. Part of what made her so popular is her ability to speak to you and me, ordinary people. Communicating with Americans, those who really matter, will keep her alive and fresh in their minds and in their votes. Communicating with them as if they were her equals, will boost her popularity and foster a I-will-vote-for-you-again-relationship.

Subway - It is a strange term, I know, but with subway I mean hat Sarah Palin must, in all of the above, not become another Barack or Hillary. People liked the freshness of Sarah Palin. She should play like a politician, but not become one. In other words, she should be like the subway; people should know that she is there and that she is working, but they must never know just how hard. That way her comeback for the 2012 ticket will be just as refreshing in comparison to the same old faces of Washington politicians.

That’s why I think Gov. Sarah Palin should go back to Alaska, strengthen her base and play POLITICS. And if it helps, she already has my vote for president, come 2012.

ECDJ