Leaving you behind...

I promised myself never to fall again. That is, fall in love again. Maybe that’s why I don;t like to make promises, because they end up broken, one way or the other. Point is that I met someone who I really liked. Perhaps I liked him more than I should have, based on what I knew about him and how briefly we have met. Yet, for some reason my heart made a choice, it chose him, and I was left without a voice.

I warned myself. My friends warned me. For god’s sake, even my own history warned me. But I figured; every minute I have left on the face of this Earth is a gift. And I don’t intend on wasting it. So I dared to fall. I allowed myself to fall in love with someone I barely knew. Many will call me silly, others will call me stupid. But god knows I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering ‘what if’. I had to take a chance on a happy ending.

Tonight I am so happy that I took that chance and gave it my all. I’m so happy I smiled at him. I’m so happy I communicated with him. I’m so glad I tried to go on a date with him. I’m so happy I sent him messages. I’m so happy I put ‘xxx’ after every message I sent. But most of all, I’m so happy I told him and showed him, just how much I actually liked him. Fair enough he did not feel the same and had his eyes on someone else. Can I blame him? No! He too was only taking a chance on a happy ending.

And now I’m leaving and I never got to call him mine. I’m leaving and I was never really his. And I think to myself, dammit! If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I hadn’t liked you, I wouldn’t love you. If I wouldn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do and I will. And I realize once again that it takes a couple seconds to say ‘Hello’, but forever to say ‘Goodbye’. Saying goodbye to him tonight was perhps the hardest thing I have ever done.

I mean; How do I say goodbye to someone I never really had? Why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine? Why is it I miss someone I was never really with? And why do I love someone whose love was never really mine? And it’s only when I pull myself together and be completely honest with myself that I realize that maybe, just maybe, I was actually in love. Tonight I know I love him because I want him to be happy even if his happiness means that I’m not part of it.

But I am missing him. And I will miss him. Yet missing him isn’t the hard part, knowing I could have had him is what breaks my heart. So as I’m leaving… and leaving him behind, I would like to stay a secret, like walking in the dark; if no one knows me, no one will care and no one will break my heart.

If you are reading this… you know who you are… I never told you in your face, but I’m finally ready to it through the tears in my eyes and the aching beat of my heart… I love you.

Remember those cards… you have a great hand, play it well and always remember the guy who wanted to play the game with you.

xxx